GFY

Where's Kitty when I need her? 

I need a good GFY..... 

I'm not having a particularly bad day....nor am I annoyed with anyone - I just keep thinking of the letters...and what they represesnt.... and the specific way Kitty used to say it.... sometimes over and over and over again......The sound bite is burnt into my brain.   But when I think of GFY.... in either context.... I think of Kitty..... and of Pumpkin.... and of Punk Rock Friday.... at the 5 O'Clock.......  It was one of the funnest random nights out EVER.  ChelBelle will know what I'm talkin' about!  I have the perfect picture for this post... but seeing this is my work computer, I don't have access to it.  Dammit. 

Context A.)  Goooooooooooood For Yooooou.
Context B.)  Go F*ck Yourself!

She's said them both....and either saying is magic. 

Bored out of my f@&*ing mind........

Kill.  Me.  Now. 

Terrible 32's

I'm embarrassed to admit, that I've become really whiny lately. 

I've caught myself whining, stomping my feet, pouting, having tantrums when I don't get my way, and talking baby talk. 

I honestly don't know how this happened.... I don't remember ever doing it before. In general I think of myself as a strong, independent woman.  This behavior is the exact opposite of that.  I think I did it once, somehow got the impression it was cute, saw I got my way, and now it's becoming a habit!  And Jerm is on to me.  I'll ask him to give me the remote when it's on the table right in front of me.  Or to change the radio station when I'm in the front seat right next to him.  I whine comments like "buuuuuuttttt Jeeerrrrmmmmmm........" and "I don't waaaannnnnaaaa". 

I think I'm most worried that I'll behave that way in front of other people!  Like, I'll be in the comfort of my own home and I'll have a visitor, and I'll unleash my inner 2 year old.  Eek!  I hate children that act like that.  Let alone grown-ass women acting like children! 

I need to nip this in the bud ASAP.  How does stuff like this become habit?  Why can't I form some good habits, like drinking lots of water and flossing daily?  Why are my habits always bad - like whining and smoking and leaving my shoes in the middle of the floor?  I mention smoking because believe it or not, I don't believe it to be an addition for me - but a habit.  I don't NEED to smoke; I have no symptoms by not smoking.  I could go days/weeks/months without a cigarette......and I don't get cranky, I don't have insomnia, I don't overeat (I just do that anyways).... until I drink.... and then I crave a smoke.  That first sip of beer gets me every time.  I can go days without smoking and easily smoke a pack in a night.  It's disgusting.  I know this, but it's a habit.  Kinda like whining I guess.....  

On a Mission....

I’m on a mission for a Starbucks Gold Membership Card.  

I’ve lived in Seattle for going on 8 months, and I was just made aware of this very special card 2 months ago, and though I purchased the gift card that will be my ticket to gold last Friday, I just registered my card today.  Doh! 

I go to the same store every morning.  And no one has ever said anything to me about this… is this supposed to be underground???  On one hand, I'm excited because it seem "elite" and on the other I'm annoyed I was never informed of this program. 

Anyways, basically, if you buy 30 drinks, you get gold status which includes a free stuff.  I love free stuff.  And I currently buy a minimum of 25 cups a month - so at that rate, I should have had this card MONTHS ago.  

All I know is that when Miss P whipped out that card when she was visiting, and it was shiny and gold and personalized with her name, I knew I had to make one mine.  

Yes, I know this is an expensive habit.  I’ve tried to make coffee at home.  I’ve even bought fancy Starbucks Coffee beans.  It’s not the same.  There is a whole science to making coffee – and I don’t have the time or patience for it.  Plus I have a really hard time investing in a $240.00 machine.... yes, yes, I know, if you do the math... but still..... 

sar·cas·tic /särˈkastik/

sar·cas·tic Adjective /särˈkastik/

Synonyms:
adjective: mordant, biting, cutting, acrimonious, snide, sardonic

Marked by or given to using irony in order to mock or convey contempt

• sarcastic comments on their failures
• she's witty and sarcastic

I tend to like very bitchy women. I find myself most attracted to smart, sarcastic, bitchy women. ~ Lea DeLaria

Quicky Rant

Face To Face & Strung Out

Showbox at the Market, Seattle, WA

Fri, Jun 17, 2011 07:30 PM

Section

GA

Description

PRICE LEVEL 1

GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING

Type

FULL PRICE TICKET-21 AND OVER W/ ID

Ticket Price

US $20.00 x 2

Convenience Charge

US $9.20 x 2

Additional Taxes

US $0.46 x 2

SUBTOTAL

US $59.32

Order Processing Fee

US $5.65

Standard Mail: Allow 10 to 14 days for delivery

No Charge

TOTAL CHARGES

US $64.97

Really Ticketmaster?!  REALLY?!?!

Why music lovers hate Ticketmaster, part 4,981

GoingPostal01

Exciting news!!!  I have a new email address!  :)  Why is this exciting?!  I'm dropping the Meyer.  I'm eliminating one of the last reminders of my um, failed, marriage.   It's going to be awesome because I don’t have to type or spell that name anymore on a regular basis!  And now this account can become the "junk" email account.  My friend Miss P has a similar set up, where all her "real people emails" come into one account and all the store, promotional, facebook, groupon, stuff comes into a completely separate account.  Smart idea, right?! You mean, I can actually FIND something in my email account?!?!  I won't miss emails from breathing people in all the crapola.  GET OUT OF HERE!  Imagine that.  Not that I don't love being notified of a good sale or when my favorite band is coming to play!  Cause I'm on it. (Hello just got word that my all time favorite band EVER EVER EVER since like 10th grade is coming to Seattle from my friends at JamBase!)

I just need to figure out how I'm going to move a few key things over.... um, like this blogy-blog...and maybe some bills.... so THEY don't get lost in spam land. 

So, just a little background on the new email name. 

• Going Postal - well, obviously this is my new(er) handle.  My friend StacieJ gave me the nickname "Postal" um, 13 or so years ago, because my last name is Post..... Annnnnnnnd I may tend to get a little "fired up" at times!  Ever hear the saying "Going Postal"?! Well, I don't shoot people (I'm afraid to pick up a gun), but I do get angry and tend to FREAK OUT and OVEREACT and which requires sometimes having to apologize.  It's cool.  My close friends and family have come to expect this. 
• 01 - that was my "Pager Code".  Remember those?!  Seriously, back in the early 90's when everyone had pagers.... you would page a person and then put in your "code" so they knew it was you and call you back.  This was especially helpful when you were calling from a number that was not usual.  Cause just like cell phones, people would not waste a quarter to call back a number they didn't know! "Oh, hey, yeah, JP is paging me, let me call her back".... get your quarter out and hit up the closest pay phone.  You were SOL if you didn't have quarters!  And good luck finding a payphone these days. Sometimes dictates how fast you got a return call.  "My boyfriend best be calling back ASAP!"  Why 01? Because I'm number 1 of course! :)  P.S.  My mom still has a pager.... she works in a hospital and they don't like paging over the intercom.... and every time I call her, I put in 01 so she knows it's me.  Tee Hee Hee.  

So, I'm pretty pumped about this!  It's a step towards healing.  Moving on, not being constantly reminded.  I didn't want to take his name anways!  That is a whole other rant.... we're going to keep this one positive.  Keep on moving on....... 

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Buddha

You've got to be sh*tting me!

I just downloaded the last 90 days in bank statements.... and we spend 40% of our income on food. Yes, you read that right, Food/Drink/Groceries currently accounts for 40% of our income. That is effing crazy insane. Between grocery stores, convenience stores, Costco, Trader Joe's, QFC, Safeway, The Grocery Outlet, our bi-weekly organic produce box, fancy grass fed organic meat stores, farmers markets, and then breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, and drinks out.... the monthly number is in the thousands for 2 people.  No kids.  No pets.  No crazy allergies or diets.  Normal, regular, average people (one who is supposed to be on WW). 

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE food.  It's an unhealthy obsession.  I love cooking food, eating food, thinking about food, and reading about food.  I love looking up recipes, which lead to making up weekly dinner menus, which then populate my grocery list.  I love grocery shopping and have see no problem with going to 2-3-4 different stores!  And I food shop weekly.  WEEKLY.  I have no problem going to a store in the middle of the week because I need something, forgot something, ran out of something or I'm just craving something else  (god help me when I ever get pregnant!)

Then there is the eating out. I have eaten every meal under the sun out in a restaurant. Sometimes all in one day.  (And then I go home and "Yelp" about it.) The average cost for 2 people to eat good breakfast in Seattle is $40. Are you kidding me?  $40?!  Yes.  And I average going out to breakfast once a week. Breakfast has to be a cheapest and easiest thing to make at home.  But I swear the place up the street has the best Eggs Benedict EVER!  (And I wonder why I can’t lose weight – ha!). 

I’m a foodie and nothing makes me happier than a good meal.  My entire life revolves around food, drinks and entertaining.  You will never be invited over and not offered an appetizer or refreshment.  But 40% is ridiculous, and I’m not entertaining but MAYBE once a month.

I do not like being told we can’t afford to do something, when our weekly food spending is in the hundreds…. Let's be honest, I don't like being told No, ever.  For any reason.  But, when you do the math, we spend hundreds of dollars a week on stuff that we eventually poop out. I’m not trying to be vile, but let’s get real.  

• We need to TRY to get both the grocery spending and the going out spending down to $100-150/week each.  Which is still a lot, don’t get me wrong, but that would be cutting it in half.
• I think we need to use envelops..... And when the money is gone, it's GONE.
• We need to limit our eating out to ONCE a day. No more eating more than one meal out. No going out to lunch and then going out to dinner or going out to dinner and then going out drinking.
• We need to pack more lunches, pack snacks and picnics when we're going out all day.
• We need to stop wasting so much food (which means throwing it out cooked or uncooked).
• We need to limit our lunches out to ONCE a week.
• We need to try to limit our Costco visits to ONCE a month...and increasing what we buy.... instead of buying one pack of chicken a week, we buy multiple packs of chicken, and other non perishable/freezeble stuff. That way we aren't tempted to buy crap we don’t need.  The main reason we go to Costco other than paper products, is Organic Chicken and Turkey Jerky.  
• We need to plan our meals better. We need to plan a menu, make a grocery list and STICK TO IT.
• We need to do more prep work for lunches,  make more “grab and go stuff” and make more simple/crock pot meals.
• Meals don't have to be 3-5 courses.  They can be A salad.  I'm cooking for 2, not 4 and not 8.  Neither of us are starving, and left overs are not required.

We also need to spend ONE weekend a month at home. Meaning.... staying in (for the most part) and keeping it as close to free as we can. We can hike or walk around, but we need to pack all meals, snacks, drinks, etc. We can drink, but we have to drink at home.  And we can do fancy.  Dungeness Crab is on sale this week for $3.99/lb.  We'd be STUPID to go out eat!

In addition to spending one weekend a month in, we need to plan one weekend a month away.... There is so much to see and do around here.  Yes, we can do higer end weekend trips like Vancouver and Portland and San Juan Islands (whale watching) - were we eat out and stay in hotels, but we can also do cheap camping/cabin trips were we hike, pack picnics and cook out burgers and dogs.

Our food spending is ridiculous and gluttonous.  2- 32 year old's don’t need to be spending such obscene amounts of money on FOOD.  But knowing is half the battle.... like my weight loss, I know there is a issue, and it needs to change and I have a plan to change it (following that plan is a whole other story).  To be honest, the time and money and thought I'm spending on food is probably directly related to the fact I can't lose weight, imagine that!!!! 

One should eat to live, not live to eat.  ~Cicero, Rhetoricorum LV

Deep thoughts by JP.....

1.) Dinner last night with my friend of a friend (now considered just a friend) Rita last night was phenomenal. The company and conversation was great. It's amazing how you take that stuff for granted when you have it all the time. It was such a morale boost. We had so many things in common and she was so funny. She's my new girl crush. For sure. Too bad she lives in Denver and is only here on business.  But it will at least hold me over now at least until my friends Kate & Adam come to visit next month.

2). I'm very proud of Jeremy and I and all the food that we "wasted" last night. In the past, we would have consumed every morsel of food served to us, whether we liked it or not. I felt a little bad so much of the dessert was unconsumed, but we ate until we were satisfied and stopped. That is HUGE! That may have not been the case if it was "absolutely, mind-blowingly, delicious", but it was the case last night, and I think we did good. We did a 3 for $30 deal and were served an absorbent amount of food. We ate what we liked and ate until we were full. I didn't leave the restaurant hating myself or having to unbutton my jeans! Score.

3.) I'm SUPER excited that I've been invited to join the 2011 Yelp Seattle Elite Squad! They emailed ME! I didn't even ask, or know anything about it. Read more about it here: http://www.yelp.com/elite. Being in a new city I "yelp" everything, and decided to give back and it paid off!!! If you aren't familiar with yelp... check it out... and if you are... be my friend!!!! 


4.) I got my hair done on Saturday (NOT impressed). I called Nadean, I was so upset. I'm just not getting across what I want. It looks good, but it's very subtle.... I like BOLD and DRASTIC and FUN... I feel like I have a soccer mom hair cut. BOO!!! Nadean also suggested that I bring a picture. 3 hair people, still not happy. Today is Wednesday and still nobody's noticed. :( They are way too subtle and I can barely tell. They really shine in the sunlight... but the amount of time my hair gets sunlight between work and um, the rain, is somewhere between slim and none. I was disappointed, still felt frumpy and felt I was out $100. That being said, for the first time in my ENTIRE life, I called the stylist and asked if I can come back. I felt like an as*....and apologized 100 times. I don't mind throwing in some cash for additional color (and tip!), but I need more.... bigger chunks, bolder color, maybe adding an additional color or two. I don't know the answer, but I called and she was very sweet and we set up a time for me come back in on Saturday, with pictures.

5.) I finally got around and made bread. It came out soooo good. It was golden brown and crusty on the outside, and it was yummy inside... it's not the best sandwich bread, but Jerm did make me a sandwich Monday on it. I'm not sure how many WW points it is... but it's made with flour, salt, yeast and water....that's it.... no additives... no kneading... it took over 24 hours... but with very little work... Here it is. You guys, I'm super excited about this bread. It's so amazing and simple. I have 2 things of dough working at home.... one regular and one cinnamon raisin.

“I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know.”
Joanna Field

Today

I had a religious moment last night, I'm trying not to make a big deal about it because I don't want to make this big proclamation and then not follow through and fail....again.....but at the Girl Talk show.... when I was drenched in sweat.... dancing with hundreds of other sweaty bodies, and the Today by the Smashing Pumpkins remix came on and balloons dropped from the ceiling...I got a little choked up and teary eyed. I HAVE to do this. I'm gonna be thin... and I know I shouldn't think about it like that.... so I have to be healthy! I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER IT IS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME.

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever really known

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.  ~Don Wilder and Bill Rechin

LOST

I'm feeling LOST.... I just lack motivation all around. Work, Home, Clothes, Health.

• Sewing - Got a free sewing machine from a girlfriend who shipped it from Cleveland - have yet to touch it, other then to take it out of the box.  I'm in sewing classes, but only touch my pattern and fabric when I'm in class or getting ready for class.  I'm not experimenting or doing anything on my own.
• Weight Watchers - blew off yesterday's weigh in/meeting.  It is the first time I've ever purposely skipped a meeting. I plan on weighing in tonight.... but I just couldn't sit through a meeting.... even though they help (a little). Though last week I had a bad attitude...with my arms crossed and a scowl on my face.  "Would I go back to eating whatever I wanted, knowing I'd gain all the weight back?".  Why yes I would, for 3.8lbs, I'd definitely go back to not counting, not being hungry, and not feeling guilty for going over my points every weekend.  And the first 2 weeks I started WW, I was a super star with drinking water..... I MAYBE drink one glass a day lately.
• Working out/being active:  Ha Ha Ha.... no comment.  I took the stairs all day - one day last week and haven't gone back.  Even though it wasn't THAT hard, or it didn't take THAT much longer. 
• My appearance - I used to have a "style" or at the very least I felt "in style".... and thought that I had a pretty face and a nice rack (to make up for being fat) and dressed nice, and always had good hair (thanks to Nadean & Shawndah) and wore make up, but now between my clothes and my hair I feel FRUMPY. I just haven't been feeling "fashion". I feel like I'm totally out of touch with what's "in style". And since I hate the shape of my body, I hate how my clothes look on me. I got rid of a ton of stuff a few weeks ago... tons of stuff that I was hoping to fit into ONE DAY. Yeah, well, I'm sure they will be out of style by then anyways, if they weren't already.........We'll see how I feel after I get some color in my hair this weekend. I love that my "mullet" was cut off and my hair is almost all one length (not counting some fun layers) but he trimmed up my bangs, and I don't know what to do with them so - I kinda hate them. I'm gonna ask them about it on Saturday........ I want to do more dresses... I wore a dress yesterday with black tights and a black blazer and I felt pretty good!!!! Though I was freaking freezing!
• Work - I was in a 2 1/2 day training last week, and it was nice to be fairly busy and learning stuff. I totally could be an LO, but the industry is just so bad right now, it doesn't make sense to risk my salary job. But I have to admit, it's hard to come back to my desk when I have NOTHING TO DO! Seriously, very little going on. I know the industry is a mess, but it feels like our LO's don't do much anyways and don't work very hard and it's frustrating. I'm used to coming from a very competitive environment where everyone wants to be number one. It's SO not like that here. Which is cool when I get to leave early, but is frustrating when I see our numbers or I'm just asked to make color copies... I mean, come on! Look at my resume - you are paying me what just to personalize a flyer and hit a print button? I shouldn't really complain, because at least I HAVE A JOB. But I'm bored. Like a lot. And I could be doing more, but again.....
• Home - it's okay... It's by no means a PIG STY - but it can use some improvement... for sure.

I kinda gave up a little and I'm not sure how to go about getting that motivation back. 

"How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” - Martin Luther King Jr.


"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."- Unknown

Food Inc. vs. Jen Inc.

After watching Food Inc, I was shocked and appalled.  I mean I was inspired, I made instant changes. I was like, that's it.... this is unacceptable...and I will pay more and be inconvenienced to not subject myself to crappy food. I will shop at Farmer's Markets even though it means another stop, I will read labels and ingrediants to avoid things such as High Fructose Corn Syrup.  I will pay more to ensure my steaks were produced from grass fed cows and my chickens were free range and my pork wasn't shot up with antibiotics.  I refuse to by seafood that is farmed raised.  I try to support local, organic farmers.  I will drive farther and pay more for better quality food.  I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I ate at a fast food restaurant since watching that film.

But when it comes to me - losing weight and feeling/looking better, I don't have that same inspiration.  What's up with that?!  Honestly, I'm appalled that the size 30 Guess Jeans I bought less than a year ago don't fit anymore.  That every pair of my jeans cause "muffin top".  That my fat jeans are now tight. But not enough to get to a gym?!  How is it that I will drive 40 minutes out of the way to buy a slab of meat (Mmmmm, beef), but god forbid I leave my desk for 40 mintues and work out durning lunch?? KNOWING that it will make me look/feel better?  Healthier and happier? If I were to put as much time into doing something about my weight, eating habits and lack of activity as I did writing, talking of thinking about them, I'd be a size 4 already! 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”

~Albert Einstein

I want it all………….

I want a house (with a yard or at least a deck), dog, kids, I want to have the role as wife and mother.  But at the same time, I want to be Carrie Bradshaw in Sex In the City, where my biggest concerns is where I’m meeting my (currently non-existent) Seattle girlfriends for drinks after shopping all day for the next hot trend (ha! with what money?). 

Hello conflict. 

I want a house without the responsibility of the mortgage.  I want the family, without having to settle down and give up being free and single.  I want a boyfriend (and maybe eventually a husband – maybe!) while still having the ability to “do what I want”. I want to cook and craft in between the time I’m away traveling the world.  I want to be skinny, but don’t want to work out & watch what I eat. Oh, and I want to earn a college degree, so I can finally move on from being a secretary and get a job doing something I truly love and I’m passionate about. But I can only go in the evenings and weekends since I have to work to pay for my current life that I’m never satisfied with because I’m too busy daydreaming of what my life could be or (I'm embarrassed to admit) obsessing over what other people have.  

It’s exhausting. 

In order to be happy, at some point, I need to settle, but I think one of my biggest fears is settling! 

Do I have the “grass is always greener syndrome”?  Am I capable of being happy?  My ex-husband says no, and I’m at times I agree.  I wanted a dog, a ring, a house, a wedding – and I got all of that.  I actually picked out the dog, the ring, the house…. And once I had it, once it was all mine, I didn’t want it anymore.  When all said and done, it was not what the picture had looked like from the outside.  I mean, of course there was more to it.  It’s never that cut and dry.  

I want to have kids.... I'm 32......  I feel the clock a tickin!  :)  It's hard because I plan my life TO DEATH.  It's hard to live in the present when I can't stop thinking about the future and all I want to do... finish school, have kids, travel the world.  They all seem to affect one another!  I wish I could be more "go with the flow" - Like "oops, I'm prego" vs.  "I want to get pregnant within the year, so we need to get a bigger apartment, with 2 bedrooms blah, blah, blah" ..... The cart is ALWAYS before the horse and I'm always in "hurry up and wait mode"!

New Jen, New City, Fresh start…..  and same wants…and same fears…. Will I make the same mistakes?  Did I learn?  How is this time different? 

My aunt said this to me: “We only have so much control, and I think that's over our own growth and personal behaviors, and even that's really hard. Everything outside of that we have absolutely no control over.”

I’m ecstatic (most the time) with my new life in my new city.  But a change of scenery isn’t enough.  It’s something that I need to continue to work on.  And it’s not going to happen over night.  It’s choosing to focus on the positive.  It’s making the choice to be happy, to be satisfied, to be positive, to live in the present.  It’s taking things I’m interested in and actually doing something with them.  Whether it’s practicing yoga or learning to meditate or going back to school or traveling my new state or losing weight/getting in shape/being healthy, instead of talking about it, or thinking about it, it’s time to DO something about it. It’s about making it a priority, finding the motivation, the passion, the time to invest.  I made it to Seattle, it only took 10+ years of talking about moving out of Cleveland, for it to actually happen.  But I did it, and I would say so far I'm pretty successful! 

Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice. Not something to wish for, but to attain.
- William Jennings Bryan