Biggest Loser

I totally watch the Biggest Loser.  I'm motivated and inspired by the show (pretty much just in my head), and disgusted with myself and feel guilty at the same time.  I love the purple girls.  They are so smart and so nice and so genuine and so beautiful.  I could relate to almost everything they are saying.  They are my age - early 30's.  And though I'm not in the 200lb range .... yet.... but the what they talked about, and how they felt, it's like they were speaking out of my head.  When Olivia talked about always starting strong but then always giving up? That’s me! When Hannah talked about living in fear and living in the background of her own life? That’s me!

Like Olivia:

• I always start strong. Always. Weight watchers, exercise, organizing, eating organic/local, cleaning out the closets, yoga, returning to school, keeping the apartment clean, healthy meals, being more spiritual, more active, etc.

• I always give up.

• It’s a constant battle of starting and giving up. I rarely finish. I because so obsessed with the process... the tracking... the results.... that I completely lose sight of the goal.  I get so wrapped up in spreadsheets and scales and I over-analyze, over nit-pick, and beat myself up when I slip up and fall short to the point that I'm so miserable, I just give up. 

Like Hannah:

• I’m afraid to do things on my own. I want social validation from family members, from friends. I want people to help me. I become a victim. I can only exercise “if someone helps me.” I can only eat healthy and smaller portions “if my Jeremy is eating like that, too.” I pride myself on being independent, but then I'm not.  I don't eat or work out independently.  I need someone to do it with me....someone to help me.....someone to hold me responsible or accountable. 

• I have many heroes. Some of them I have come to resent because of my own jaded jealousy. I have friends with good paying careers, which allow them freedom to do so much, to buy so much, to live lives that I envy. I have friends running marathons and and I can't seem to run a 5K again (even though I’ve run one already and actually had fun).  I have friends who were hard core, pack-a-day smokers, that have quit.  I have friends that are just so at peace with their lives.  They are happy.... happy with their significant other, happy with their home, their friends, their family, their job.  They don't seem to have this sense of longing or that they are missing out.  They don't care they've never been to Europe or they have lived in the same city their entire life or they never graduated from college. 

• The longer I live, the less confidence I seem to have in my abilities. I can’t figure out why.  It seems to me, that the longer I live, the more I see my mistakes. My confidence and wit is slowly dying. I don’t trust myself. I pride myself on being strong and independent but sometimes I feel that is a big joke and act. How can that be true, when there are so many things I want to do and want to change and I can't seem to take the first step... or when I do, I can't seem to continue down the path?   

Last night I stayed home. It was the nicest day we've had here.  It was beautiful, sunny and warm.  The sun was out and it was light out until almost 10PM.  Yes, I got some stuff done around the house, made dinner, did the dishes, etc.  But everything was done by 8PM.  I could have went for a walk, or a bike ride.  Or just sat on the balcony instead of in front of the TV.  I justified it because we have guests coming, and was making up for all the vegging out we'd be missing while they were here.  But I felt guilty the entire time, I mean, not guilty enough to DO anything about it. 

I’m not sure how to fix it all. Granted, I know nobody is perfect –nobody has it all figured out.  The numbers on the scale haven't really moved, but I swear I'm getting bigger in  my mid section and gaining more chins.  I hate the way I look.  I hate the way my clothes fit.  I hate the way I feel.  I have nothing but time here.  As busy as we are, I know I'm not too busy to get active (thought I'm the most active I've EVER been, which is a whole other frustrating post).  I don't utilize my lunch hour.  I don't need to rush home right after work to make dinner at 5 or 6PM just to sit/lay on the couch bitching that the sun is right in my eyes as I'm trying to watch tv. 

I'm going to 3 weddings this year.  I bought 3 dresses from H&M on super sale.  I bought Mediums, because I was just starting WW and I had high hopes of losing all kinds of weight.  Well, that hasn't happened.  (On a side note... there are 3-4 people in my office that have actually STUCK to their resolutions and look amazing).  Now, it's not too late, I can still get my ass in gear and DO something.  One of the weddings, I'm in.  I just ordered my bridesmaid dress. First my measurements were disheartening.  Second, I know that my dress size is at least 5 sizes bigger than everyone else.  I will look like a beast next to these other girls.  Many of them are a size 2. 

I'm not really sure the point of this post.  It's just me whining I guess.  It's acknowledging there is a problem?  I guess that is the first step? 

I thought about signing up for one 5K a month to keep me motivated and focused. I enjoyed the

I just need to pull the trigger and register.  But I really need a new pair of running shoes in order to start training - let the excuses begin.  Ohio City 5K that Jerm & I did last summer.

I already have 3 in mind that I want to do in June,  August and September.  But I really need to get a new pair of running shoes before I start training.... let the excuses begin!!!